Why do I feel so behind?

I hate looking at other people’s timelines. I love knowing how people got to where they are today, but I hate realizing how quickly they got there. I instantly draw up comparisons to myself and feel behind on so many avenues. 

About the only avenue I don’t feel behind is the emotional intelligence side of life. I feel like I know myself so deeply and understand and love my little quirks that I just can’t imagine that struggle at 24 to define yourself as an adult. I’ve been doing that since I was 17 years old. It was a messy transition that felt like it took forever, but there were so many moments of it that I loved. I am who I am today because of that struggle. 

But back to the whole timelines thing… I get so hard on myself when I look at people my age and younger getting all their shit together and “doing the big things” that I’m still working on the courage to do. I’m talking about friends going on 3 years at a job and getting promotions and working towards their career aspirations at such an accelerated pace. Some of my friends are in love with their chosen careers. But when I ask some of my closest friends how work is going, they open up and let me know it isn’t everything they’d hope for. Even those who hate to complain can acknowledge that their career is just kinda where it’s at, and they’re working on it a bit while also shifting their focus to other things because “work isn’t everything”. Oh my, can we say that again? WORK ISN’T EVERYTHING. But still, you know what I look at, is the fact that they are years into their career which is a whole lot further than I’ve been. Sure, I’ve had a job in just about every industry you could think of, but apparently it all just amounted to me being 24 in a second degree program for nursing. (Gosh that sounds so harsh on myself!) I ask myself often if I wish I had figured this whole career avenue out earlier and started at 17 going down this path. Even though I do wish I had started doing all this sooner, like maybe right after undergrad, my answer is always no. I do not wish I took a different path in college (round 1) because all those pinballing positions and people that I met helped me define my values and interests. It helped me form all of my closest friends which I might have been a little too busy to do if I was constantly freaking out about figuring the whole career thing out. But now, I’m 24 and I am freaking out about the career thing. I believe timing is everything and we don’t always get an explanation for why things shake out the way they do, but time knows what it’s doing. I feel so excited (and nervous) for the light at the end of this school tunnel I’ve been riding for 2+ years after when I thought I was going to be done. I constantly want to think and dream about my career moves immediately after graduating. I think my worries of “feeling behind” on my career will dissolve the moment I settle into a full time nursing position. I want so badly to do the “big thing” that everyone else seemed to do after graduation, but I also acknowledge that sometimes that huge change up isn’t very glamorous. I have this idea that my friends who got their big full time job, moved away, and started having all these accomplishments and travels were the only definition of career success that there was. And since I stayed at my college town, working full time hours at my part time college job, and took my time to just establish myself away from all the comforts that I once had, that I failed. I think I’ve been holding this expectation over my own head that I’ve gotta do the “big thing” of moving, getting the big job, and leaving everything I know and all the places I’ve called home behind in order for me to grow. 

Now, acknowledging that it’s really only this pressure I put on myself doesn’t make me wanna do it any less. I think there is something so magnificent about setting your sights on new things and new places and soaring fast and hard to get there. BUT I DO NOT HAVE TO DO THAT. I still wanna move and I wanna get the big kid job cause these are things I genuinely look forward to. But everyday I’m reminding myself that I don’t have to get there in any sort of timing except for my own. There is no rush and this isn’t a race. And there isn’t anyone I should compare my journey to because it doesn’t really matter how quickly or slowly I get there. As long as I continue to make progress towards getting there. And guess what? Once I get there, something else is surely going to pull my attention and I’ll be worrying about something new that I don’t even think about today. I try to let that thought float away since it doesn’t really bring me comfort knowing I’ll always be looking ahead. Sometimes, I think too far ahead and it pulls me from the present moment. So, I’m working everyday to slow down the spiraling thoughts and be here “where my feet are”. (Thank you Chandler!) That centering thought is about the most helpful reel to pull me back from my timeline comparing thoughts. 

Another aspect of my timeline that I feel I’ve been “behind on” for so long is romantic relationships. It feels so weird to acknowledge I feel this way, but I hope I’m not alone in this sentiment and I think it may surprise some people that I feel this way. I’m realizing about half of my closest circle are in committed, long term relationships. Some are married, some are getting married, and lots are in relationships going on several years. We just celebrated a bachelorette weekend for the first of my close friends who is getting married and I love being a part of seeing that relationship grow into the marriage it is becoming. It’s hard not to draw comparisons when everything is addressed to “you + guest” because weddings are pretty much this party celebration for this successful relationship with your friends and family. It’s so normal to want to share a wedding with your significant other because you get to also celebrate your own love and whatever stage you are at along with the bride and groom. I think I’m just reaching a point where I’m super frustrated with my progress, or lack thereof, in relationships. I’ve tried the dating apps on and off, and I just feel so defeated when I do try them for a few weeks. And I don’t think dating feels negative like that- I think it should be fun. It’s just been hard for me to navigate how to even date in today’s scene. I’ve gotten pretty good at being the bold one when I’m interested and shooting my shot. But I’m sorta reaching a point where I’m clearly just not going after the right guys cause most of them are not ready when I am. And then I step back and wonder if I’m doing something wrong or if I’m just attracted to the wrong type of guy for me. Or is it all just freaking timing and emotional maturity? Clearly I want some answers that no one really has. There’s so many things I miss about a relationship, but what stands out the most is the growth I saw within myself and my partner while nurturing a relationship. I just don’t really know what I’m doing that isn’t letting me get to that point with someone so this part of the whole equation is probably going to take a long time to load properly. I don’t feel hopeless about it, but I just don’t know what I gotta do differently to make more progress than I have been. I don’t feel as much pressure in this arena because I don’t weigh it as heavily as I do in my career. I think that has to do a lot with how my parents raised me. I’m a child of divorced parents so it’s understandable why it’s taken me a bit longer to feel safe and ready for a relationship and know how to form a healthy one- but I’m freaking ready (well at least I think I am) and am excited for when a good one comes along next to me. And I want to keep working on some of the barriers that hold me back from thriving in this part of my life. I’m slowly uncovering them because it truly is my biggest blind spot about myself. 

When I think about all the other things that make up our timelines, there’s family, friendships, feeling like your best self, feeling safe and secure in many ways (financially, relationally, etc.), liking where you live and who you are surrounded by, getting time to do your hobbies and passions, and love and be loved in your personal love language(s). I’m sure I’m missing a few things, but those are what stands out to me as the components of our lives. And when I get hard on myself about all the ways I’m not measuring up to the typical timeline I see others doing, I need to remind myself that our timelines, no, our lives, are so much more than just the little pieces of the puzzle we haven’t quite figured out how they fit yet. My puzzle is no less beautiful today than anyone else’s is and it’s definitely not less worthy because it looks different. Just cause you don’t have it all figured out doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy it for what it is today and it also doesn’t mean you can’t hope and get excited for what it’s going to look like when you do figure out some more things. 

So, if this writing has taught me anything, it’s that timelines can fuck off. And I can let go of the expectation that certain milestones need to be hit by certain ages because LIFE DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY. It never really has but we like to think it can because it gives us direction. So, have the goals, keep the direction you have, but let go of the expectations of when it’s all gonna happen. I think you’ll start enjoying the ride a lot more when you stop worrying about how long it’s going to be if you are constantly doing it right. If it feels right today, you are doing it right. It’s pretty hard to mess up when you are trusting and following your intuition. So, keep going. You’ve got this. You always have. Trust in yourself. And have some fun. You have already found out that life doesn’t always take you in the direction that you thought it would. So see what you can learn from everything in this time and place.  

Much love always, MC